Chapter 6: My Father is Completely Awesome

My Father is completely awesome. I don’t quite know how I got where I am, but I’m glad I’m here… today.

Approximately twenty-three hours and fifteen minutes ago, I had a melt down. My plans to visit friends in Thailand over my vacation in two weeks fell through. I was missing home desperately, and I felt lonely. I felt an intense dislike for where I am. Leading up to that, I went to the Chinese Wal-Mart to purchase some much needed items for the apartment, like a vacuum cleaner to battle the ghost of the previous tenants’ cat, pots and pans with handles that don’t melt while I’m cooking, and shoes that actually fit and won’t get me kicked out of work for dressing like I’m just taking out the trash or bumming around the house. I was on a time crunch because the women’s group at the fellowship I attend was having a function to kick off the new season, but I was feeling adventurous.

For some reason, I can’t seem to enter the Wal-Mart at the entrance I want. My plan was to get my groceries, which are in the lower level and then take the flat escalator to the upper level for everything else. I tried to squeeze through to do this but the lady at the door kept pointing me to the other door. That door happened to be the exit. No offense intended, I’m sure…

So, I caved. I went up the escalator first and shopped for the household items; this would make sense to a normal person, but I don’t much enjoy being downstairs because of the unpleasant aroma of the live fish and reptiles they sell in the grocery section.

On to the shoes--

I’ve done this before. I’ve looked for shoes in this Wal-Mart before. I found only incredibly casual rubber sandals that partially fit my feet. My feet aren’t THAT big. Size 41 maybe? Just try one more time. Oh look, men’s shoes. Perhaps I should just buy men’s shoes. It would be easier to find my shoe size over there. Size 41 shoe or men’s shoes. How’s that for self-image? No no no these are all clearly men’s shoes.

So, I found some incredibly casual shoes that are not sandals. I’m still not sure if they are for men or women, but by this part of the shopping trip, my mindset about shoes had changed.

If they fit, buy them. End of story.

So, I did.

Fast-forward to this morning. I’m walking from the bus stop to the fellowship. Suddenly there are three 20 something Chinese guys about thirty feet in front of me, perpendicular. They are looking at me and still walking. One of them is smiling. As a blond American, I have become accustomed to being stared at, smiled at, in normal curious ways and sometimes creepy ways. This was neither. They approached me and asked if I was going to fellowship and pointed in its direction. I hesitantly said yes-- and then, we were walking there, sort of together—on my end-- sort of hesitantly. Then I asked if they were going also, just to clear things up. They said "Yes." We chatted on the way and then the main speaker looked down at my feet, smiled, and said “Beijing Style.” I said, “No, Wal-Mart. They don’t make women’s shoes big enough in this country for my feet.”

After researching, by prodding the brain of my friends at lunch later that day, I learned that in Beijing, the women wear over casual house shoes around the city. It’s known as “Beijing Style.” Perfect. Just what I was going for.

Rewind. I spent what felt like a couple of hours in Wal-Mart, trying to get things I needed, and anxiously ducking the salespeople who kept trying to sell me things using their Chinese. Like I really need help spending my money at Wal-Mart. LEAVE ME ALONE! Of course I just smiled and quickly walked away. I watched them closely so I could sneak down an aisle to see what I wanted to buy without feeling stalked. Ironic.

By the time I got home, I was exhausted. Emotionally spent. Physically spent. Financially spent. I opened one of my packages to find the pot came with a broken lid. I looked at the clock and it was well after 7:00. The function started at 7:00. I had this “Everybody hates me” feeling which we call a flare up of codependency, hormones, and loneliness--then I cried my eyes out. I missed home. I wanted to be there for my nephew’s birthday party and I hated being where I was. I didn’t want to go to the function, especially since I was very late.

Quite literally, with tears in my eyes, I got changed and dragged myself there anyway. It was amazing. The women were amazing. The laughter was amazing. The deserts were amazing. By the time I got home, I was smiling—but I was tired.

So, when I woke up this morning, I didn’t want to go to fellowship, but I did. I was late. I didn’t leave my apartment to get on the bus until 10:10 and it starts at 10:00. I didn’t feel like singing, so I didn’t feel bad about being late. I got there. It was packed. Until they dismissed the children, I didn’t have a seat. The teaching was amazing. It’s not always that great because there isn’t a trained person up there; A handful of men take turns teaching, but this- this was amazing. And just when I realized that I was glad I was there, it got more amazing. One of the women told us about a trip to Cambodia they are going on in two weeks. They will be working with people living in the slums. They were asking for support of various kinds.

It hit me as soon as she started talking. Wow, I want to go. Wow, I can go. My plans were cancelled. I have that week off of work. I can afford the expense. I’m looking for travel plans to engage in that week but I don’t know anyone to travel with. This seems perfect.

So I approached her about it. We chatted. We emailed. I spoke to the Father and at this point, unless He shows me otherwise, I’m going. I’m so excited. I feel like I am just being given so many amazing opportunities.

It gets so hard being away from family and friends, but the Father just keeps reminding me that it’s all good. He knows what He is doing. He knows why I’m here. He knows what to whisper in my heart to get me to drag myself across town when I’d rather hide in my 13^th floor, too secure for a friend to drop in, apartment.

When I asked Him to give me a heart for the people He wanted me to serve earlier this year, I expected Him to do it before He sent me to them, but it seems He’s giving me a heart by breaking it in there presence.


My Father is awesome.