Saturday, April 20, 2013


Okay, I am going to be perfectly candid here. I want to get married, preferably sooner rather than later. I want to have children, preferably naturally AND through adoption. Actually, for me, I would say that adopting is just as natural—OR EVEN MORE NATURAL as birthing to me, as it has been a desire of mine even longer than birthing a child has been. How do I combine this dream of mine with the rest of my life? Living overseas. Pursuing the m-issi-on field in a location and role The Father has not yet revealed to me? Having a career and an ambition to further my education? Being single? Enjoying my life? Serving The Father? And pr-aying that The Father will bring me His choice of a mate in His time?

Simple. My primary purpose and desire is to glorify The Father. I want to serve Him and do awesome things for His Kingdom. Or rather, I want Him to use me to do awesome things. I don’t want an ordinary life. I don’t want to live in the USA- as much as I love it and miss it. I don’t want to live in any one place for the rest of my earthly life. I want to serve The Father as a nomad of sorts. Doing Kingdom work that needs to be done and then moving on to the next good work that He prepared in advance for me to do. I believe He has called me to international ministry. I am excited. Part of ministry is family. I love my teaching job. I love the idea of getting another degree. I know The Father is using it all for His glory, BUT my higher desire is to be used for His glory in a future where I am blessed to exchange my independent endeavors for a family and glorifying The Father as a wife and mother (IN the international M-world!).

My point? Most single women (and probably men, but I’m not a man, so I don’t know how they think… except for what I’ve read, but I digress) want to get married. I want to get married, but I had to go through a lot of training to get ready. In fact, five years ago, I pr-ayed that The Father would not let me get married until I was COMPLETELY satisfied and content with Him. I asked Him to take me on a wild ride of an adventure and to… wait for it… to DISCIPLINE ME. Yes, I asked The Father to discipline me. And if you have known me on any intimate level over the last five years, I don’t have to tell you that he has been disciplining me left and right.

I’m not saying that I am disciplined… far from it. Rather, he has disciplined me as a tool of DISCIPLING me. From where I was standing five and six years ago? Wow. Not me wow—but The Father—Wow. He has freed me from so many lies of the enemy. Freed my spirit from shame and doubt, condemnation and fear. He brought me to the land I was most afraid of going to, in the most literal way. He charged me with the occupation I was most resistant to.

In the last five years, J-esus has largely freed me from the crippling emotional diseases and patterns of codependency, anxiety, depression, fear of adulthood, fear of intimate friendships, fear of sharing my faith (I also pr-ayed that The Father would give me a “Bold Faith” five years ago), self-hatred, fear of rejection, shame, bitterness, and anger. Wow— The Father. Wow. So, what’s my point?

My point is this… Was The Father merely preparing me to be a good wife like I asked him to do? I must give a resounding no. He was preparing me to be a a g-odly wife, a nurturing mother, a trusted friend, a loving teacher, an honoring daughter, a supportive sister, a doting aunt, a strong mentor, a humble disciple and discipler, a faithful Sunday School teacher, a passionate Pr-ayer Warrior, a spiritual parent… dare I say- a humble servant… and as much as I’ve grown, I’m not there yet. I finally see that He will be refining me until the day He takes me home! Yes! I don’t have to reach perfection. Did I mention that I struggled (sometimes still) with perfectionism?

He was not JUST preparing me to be a good wife. He was preparing me for so much more. He was sanctifying me in the very way I asked him to sanctify me (without the vocabulary), and I didn’t only ask Him to do it so I could be ready for marriage. I asked him to do it because though I was a believer, I was living under the cloud of depression that resulted from a lifetime of believing the lies of the enemy. I was not living victoriously. I was living as if I had no hope, when in fact, I had more than hope. I was living under the law.

So when He rescued me from that, he did not just rescue me so that I could be ready for a husband, though that (I hope) is in the future He has planned for me. He rescued me because that is what He does. He takes the dead— spiritually dead, and brings them to life when they accept JC as the one and only G-od, Savior of the World. He proved to me that I not only have a hope of life with him after earthly death, but I can have a life of surrender and peace while on this earth if I just let Him do the painful pruning now.

Is life peachy keen? No. Is there trouble? Absolutely. But I have peace that surpasses all understanding.

So am I completely satisfied in JC alone, just as I asked him to do in me five years ago in order to get me ready for marriage? Am I perfectly content? Most of the time, I am HIGHLY content with my life. Most of the time, I am HIGHLY satisfied. Usually, I accept that I will not be totally satisfied or content until I see JC face to face. By my old standard, I would never be ready for marriage because to be perfectly satisfied in my relationship with Christ is impossible here on Earth. My soul thirsts for JC, and The Father created me to know and be known by Him. Until I get to heaven, that goal will not be fully attained.

So why do I want to get married if I know it will not satisfy my deepest longings to know and be known by God? In the garden, He created marriage as a covenant between a man, a woman, and Himself to give us an earthly taste of that eternal union between The Father (JC+HS) and humans. AND I believe, to sanctify us and help us lose our selfishness and learn to love sacrificially.

And if I stay single for longer, He will continue to sanctify me and provide other relationships to have closeness.

Do I still want to get married? Absolutely- and even more than before. I no longer want to get married just to satisfy a longing to feel loved and cared for. I want to get married because The Father said “It is VERY good.” I believe Him. However, I am not just sitting around waiting for my life to begin. It began at the cross.